Growing up in the country gave me two wonderful encounters, fresh open air and a father with a red-neck sense of humor. Okay, I admit it, the red-neck sense of humor is probably hereditary as my grandfather and his father before him had some pretty insane sayings as well. I’m still waiting for the gene to be identified with that one so I will know if it’s safe for my father and my son to hang around together.
My father; Pete, has had a slew of sayings over the years. Many of which can make you laugh, make you cry or flat out make you gag. So, I thought: There could be no better way to spend Twisted Thursday than telling of some of the Peteisms that he has told me over the years.
I do plan to eventually hire an illustrator (probably under gunpoint, as no sane illustrator would draw them for me) and illustrate some of these Peteisms into a wonderful book with as much color as the sayings themselves.
Though I would love to show them all to you, I’m only showing some of them as some are definitely ‘R’ rated.
- “I’m busier than a two tailed tomcat in a roomful of rocking chairs.”
- “That stands out like a turd in a punchbowl!”
- “S**t in one hand and wish in the other and see which gets fullest fastest.” (I seem to recall this one a lot growing up)
- “He/She can take a flying f**k at a rolling donut.” (Clean version: “Go take an aerial fornication at a revolving danish pastry”)
- “If s**t were brains, he’d be a freaking genius.”
- “He /She has the organizational skills of a piss ant.” (My father and I are still debating what a piss ant actually is.)
- “That truck/tractor is so weak, it couldn’t pull a fart out of a mitten.” (This one actually comes from my grandfather)
- “Every little bit helps said the little old lady that peed in the sea. “
- “I was busier than a one legged man in an a**-kickin’ contest.”
- “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
- “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” ~George Carlin
- “Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung
- “This is as much fun as pissing on spark plugs”
- “It’s not so much as a barrel of laughs, as a vat of vomit.”
- “He’s as noisy as a skeleton wanking himself on a tin roof.”
- “He’s so mean that the only way to get a drink out of him is to stick two fingers down his throat.”
- “He’s gone greener than frog s**t.