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Listen Up Chicks!

Listen Up Chicks! 1024 773 Jason Stadtlander

There’s is nothing like rolling over at 4:30 A.M. to three girls screaming at you at the top of their lungs. I throw my pillow over my head and try to ignore them but they scream louder and louder.

“Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!”

That’s right, I’m not talking about female humans, I’m talking about my God forsaken chickens. I only have three, I had six but ended up killing three because they wouldn’t shut the hell up.

Okay, actually I gave three away because they were just too crowded in my earlier coop. But I think the idea of sacrificing them to the Screaming Chicken gods sounds better.

The reality is, I love my chickens. They’re the only girls I’ve ever had that never really complained to me. Until recently.

I had the brilliant idea of expanding the coop so that they’d have a lot more room (nearly three times as much) to roam around and peck the dirt and perch on walls. I’m actually quite happy with the expansion, as are they. Then for the winter, I wrapped their custom made water dispenser that I built in heat tape, set up a thermostat that will kick on any time the temperature drops below 34F and have started to wrap the coop in plastic. I also set up a fluorescent light that turns on for “summer hours”. This generally keeps egg production going during the dark winter months (yeah, chickens are a few fries short of a happy meal).

Then two days ago my girls started squawking profusely around 4:30 A.M.

I knew that they didn’t lay until around 5:30-6:00 (yeah, I’m that weird). So I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about.

Then I did some research and found that many chickens do what’s called the “Egg song”. They basically are singing about the fact that they are going to lay an egg and oh what a wonderful egg it is. I finally found some translation guides and was able to translate most of Esther’s song (the real loudmouth of my coop) as follows:

TRANSLATION: “Listen up girls, I got an egg. I got an egg. Oh what a marvelous egg! It’s better than yours, oh so much better than yours. In fact your eggs suck. They are tiny and [censored] and pathetic but mine or so big! So amazing!”

Anyway, the song goes on to state how wonderful her eggs are and how much better of a hen she is than Gertie or Sassy (my other two hens). There’s also some expletives in there that I would prefer not to censor… dirty bird.

The point is, it’s completely normal behavior and I guess if I want fresh eggs, I just need to make sure I also have earplugs.

The Jibbery Jik

The Jibbery Jik 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

What’s wrong with you Dick
Are you getting quite thick?
You’re standing among the Jibbery Jik

Can’t you see they don’t care ’bout your hair or your clothes?
What matters to them, the most is your nose
You constantly pick it and pull out a prize
You jump up and down and wiggle your thighs

The Jibbery JikYour boogers are treasures, a delight in your hand.
You wave them about and then you demand,
“What’s this? Look here! I’ve found something awesome! Something new and fantastic! Something worthy of Dawson!”

But the Jibbery Jik do not care of your prize, not at all.
They stare you blankly, blinking eyes, standing tall.
They say “You sir, are sick, disgusting and rude.
We want nothing of you and find you quite crude.”

So in sadness you walk, booger in hand.
Wishing that they would just understand.
It’s special to you, something pure, something true.

So off with the Jik and their silly ways that they live.
It’s a pity they can’t see what joy the nose gives.

Twisted Thursday – Death by Soft-serve

Twisted Thursday – Death by Soft-serve 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Soft Serve IcecreamWe went to a buffet this weekend at Foxwoods. If my six-year-old had his way, he would have stuck his face under the spigot of the soft-serve ice cream machine and pulled the trigger. Subsequently pouring a few spoonfuls of sprinkles, chocolate chips and chocolate syrup into his mouth to top it all off. Which I would have had to follow with a shot of insulin for the diabetes that he would have no doubt induced.

Fortunately I limited his sugar intake to only a bowl. I will add though that his dinner consumption hardly warranted a buffet. Now my other son, ate a good dinner and a modest desert (only one helping of ice-cream and a brownie).

What is it about sugar that we are so fascinated with? I would claim it’s a childhood thing, but then I would just go home and have a bowl of Breyer’s mint chocolate chip with a couple of Oreos and I would be a liar.

Sugar AttackBelieve it or not, sugar is not a natural part of our diet. On the contrary, the only time our ancestors (and I am talking thousands of years ago, not centuries) ever ate sugar was through the eating of fruit. So how have we become so hooked on the culinary ecstasy?

Sugar was not always plentiful and many cultures have used honey or maple syrup as sweeteners  Sugarcane is actually native plant of the tropical southern Asia  continent, many varieties came from the Indian subcontinent and were later grown to adapt to other regions of the world.

Primarily sugar was a luxury  before the 18th century and later became popular in 19th century becoming a staple of normal cuisine. The purification of sugar and desire for the sweet confectionery products that could be produced spurred an entire economic development around the product and brought about our favorite meal – dessert!

Today our world produces on average 168 million metric tons of the delicious substance. You may find it funny that despite this entire article, I am actually more of a savory person than a sweet person. I’ll trade salt and vinegar chips any day over candy but would have a difficult time giving up my ice cream.

How about you? What is your favorite confection?

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