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  • Jason Stadtlander

Our Legacy and What We Leave Behind
Our Legacy and What We Leave Behind 1707 1280 Jason Stadtlander

The movie “The Road” starring Viggo Mortensen and Kodi Smit-McPhee is a movie based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning author Cormac McCarthy’s book, “The Road.” For those who haven’t seen the film, it is an extremely powerful film about hardship, the love of a child and survival instincts. The book is also an incredible read, but difficult.

That movie – and my novel, The Steel Van Man – have made me wonder about the connection to our children and families, and to ask myself what lengths I might be willing to go to protect my family.

I can attest to my own experiences and feelings toward family, children and the overwhelming need to protect them.

A Family to Live or Die for . . .

protect-the-childrenFor those of you who do not know, I have two children of my own, and I can say without thinking about it, I would kill to protect them. When I am gone from this world, all that will remain of me will be the words I leave behind and my children. Although I hope my writing endures, my children are paramount in all that I do, see, breathe and speak.

In The Road, a father is trying to guide his son to safety, and in doing so,  shows him what is right and what is wrong. At one point, attempting to protect the boy, the man steals the clothes from another man who has just robbed them. The boy later encourages his father to return the clothes to the man and leave behind food for him, showing the father what it means to retain a level of humanity during a time of distress and societal collapse.

At what cost do we allow humanity and society to influence our families? If you have children and are at home reading this, look at your children right now. If you are at work reading this, look at a picture of your children – I’m sure you have one around. What are their lives worth? What is their safety worth? Looking at your child playing on the floor or smiling up at you from that photo. You know that you will do absolutely anything to protect that innocent life. Your needs are (should) be secondary to theirs. You will carry the world on your shoulders, plow through any obstacle and face any challenge to help that little person – that little human who is part of you and someone else. You will help them to become someone special, to be more than you are right now.

Now, look at this from a different perspective. Times are constantly changing, rules of society changing. Some rules for the better and some not. How far will we allow humanity to dictate the final outcome of our children? How much do we allow society to control and skew the perspectives of our children for the betterment of society?

We as a species fight all the time over politics, race, gender classification, and religion. Your race doesn’t matter; neither does your class, gender classification, your spiritual denomination or your job. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. It matters to you, but in the great scheme of things none of this matters when it comes to the responsibility of raising your child. Hell, none of them really matter even when you don’t have children. In the end, when you are gone from this world, you are gone for good. Take control of the world around by starting with yourself and your family. Concentrate on what you can change in the immediate, then focus on what seems impossible to change.

Complicated Times – Simple Rules

family-time-is-most-importantWe live in an age of over-stimulation, an age of instant information, social media and media overload. These access points are constantly trying to change our perspective on the world around us. Worse, they are trying to change the perspective of our children, parents be damned.

In our home we have five (primary) rules:

  • Treat others with respect
  • Expect respect, but fight for it if you don’t get it
  • Eat dinner with no television, computers or phones while sitting AT the table – every night
  • Never hit someone, but know how to defend yourself
  • Never, ever lie to those you love

The most important thing to take away from all of this is; Believe in yourself and what you feel is right deep down in your heart, and what you know will guide your child in the right direction.

Because in the end. . . they are what we you leave behind. Our children are what we all leave behind.

 

YouTube addition with children
  • Jason Stadtlander

What Your Child is Watching on YouTube Might Surprise You
What Your Child is Watching on YouTube Might Surprise You 2124 1416 Jason Stadtlander

Tech addiction is a serious problem and any parent in today’s age is aware of this. YouTube is the drug of choice for most children. Dr. David Greenfield, founder of The Center for Internet and Technology Addiction explains that children (and anyone spending a lot of time on the internet) are often just “Looking for a little bit of dopamine.“

If you have a child that is old enough to hold a mobile device, you most likely have a child that watches YouTube. Children are not watching television like we did growing up, they are watching their favorite YouTuber. I’m not going to go off and be an old ‘fart’ and say “when we were kids we played outside all the time and we never would have been stuck to the screen.” for two reasons, 1. It would be a partial lie. One of my favorite past times as a kid coming home from school was putting on the TV and watching HeMan or Transformers. 2. No matter how much any parent wants to admit it, times change and so does the entertainment for children – almost on a generational basis.

Whether you have a little girl or a little boy, nearly all the kids like the YouTube stars that do silly skits, funny songs or real-time video game commentary. Often times (unbeknownst to parents) the YouTube stars (especially the more amateur ones) use inappropriate language or discuss things that are outside the realm of what a child should be listening to (topics, discussions, etc.).

Now there are plenty of YouTube stars out there that are respectable and work hard to make sure that they stick to their audience. It’s very important that parents look at what YouTube shows their kids are watching and that they watch some of them on their own time (at least a few minutes). I also highly advise installing a parent monitoring software such as MobiCip that will let you see what videos your children are watching when you’re not around or that you might have missed them watching. It does cost a little bit of money but it’s a small price to pay to help keep an eye on your children’s technology.

One important note on parent monitoring apps such as MobiCip: Tell your children that you are monitoring them. My son is well aware that I can see what he views on the internet, I don’t hide that from him but I also don’t hover over him either. I respect his privacy and only if I feel he’s being sneaky or might be viewing something he should not be viewing, do I actually go look through the history.

Words of Wisdom

  • MOST IMPORTANT: Talk to your child calmly. Ask them what they are watching and why they enjoy watching it. Diving straight in and stopping them from watching any YouTube is not the answer (no matter how much you might like to do that). That will just force them to go watch something on a friends device (when you’re not around) giving you no knowledge of what they are watching.
  • Google your child’s favorite YouTube stars. You are bound to find an overview of what the YouTuber talks about, what kind of language they use and what their target audience is.
  • There are several good video blocker extensions in Chrome and Internet Explorer that can be added to block specific YouTube channels. If you if you see something your child shouldn’t be watching, block it with one of these utilities.

 
  • Jason Stadtlander

Educators Should Educate – Not Manipulate
Educators Should Educate – Not Manipulate 1024 926 Jason Stadtlander

In October of 2016 I picked up my children one day from school and my son says, “Daddy, who are you going to vote for?”

I remember looking at him with an expression of concern. “Why do you want to know?”

“Because my teacher said everyone should vote for Clinton.”

I immediately felt a flash of anger. Not because I dislike Hillary Clinton, but because I believe it is vital for children to come to their own conclusions and hear unbiased perspectives, especially from educators. I do not think that any teacher or principal has a right to try and sway my children one way or the other with politics.  I have no problem with them unbiasedly discussing what the political platforms are, and why they (politicians) choose different platforms, but the children should be allowed to come to their own conclusion regarding their own political views.

I got down at eye level with my son and gently grabbed his shoulders, “Son, I will vote for who I feel is the correct person to put into office as the President. Your teacher will do the same, and one day, when you’re old enough – you too will choose the person that you feel is the correct person. Voting is a very personal thing. It is our right granted to us by those who founded our country. Three things you should never discuss until you understand what you are talking about are religion, politics, and money. They are all very personal things, and everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe without it being ridiculed or forced down their throat.”

There is “education,” and then there is “influence.” Influencing causes children to go home and question their parent’s choices that they have spent a lifetime establishing. I’m not saying that a child questioning (or developing their own beliefs) is terrible. What I am saying is that their questioning should not be due to outside manipulation.

It is a parent’s job to teach children about faith (or lack of), political views (both sides – preferably without pushing one or the other), finances and what is right or wrong with regards to sexual preference especially since a parent’s faith can lead this. I can honestly say that any parent that doesn’t teach these things are doing a disservice to their children. A child needs to have the foundation they are raised with and needs to be objectively taught each of these views to be a well-rounded member of society.

I believe it can be handled unbiasedly as follows:

You can explain the liberal platforms, the desire for social programs, their belief in how healthcare should be managed and civil rights – Then you can explain the conservative platforms and how faith sculpts some of their views and how they feel about various political issues.

An educator can explain something without injecting their own personal views. Yes, I know it can be difficult – especially when dealing with children who are curious and want to know their teacher’s views. But there is wanting to know, and needing to know, and I do not feel they need to know. At least not in the classroom environment.

In the meantime, as a parent, I will do my best to try and educate my children on the platforms, what people are hoping for and what people (and myself) want in leaders and world issues. I hope that you as parents will do the same.

Daddy is Moving Out
  • Jason Stadtlander

Daddy is Moving Out
Daddy is Moving Out 2560 1171 Jason Stadtlander

I have been divorced now for three years and it’s been over four years since I moved out of the townhouse that was ‘home’ for over a decade. The place that my (now ex) wife and I came home to after our wedding and the place that I brought my children back from the hospital to. It’s been four years and only now can I begin to really talk about the impact that it all had on me at the time.

My marriage had been falling apart for years before I moved out and I even tried to move out in 2009, but seeing the shattered look on my three year old and four year old’s face and the thought that they might believe I was leaving them, stayed my hand on the decision – especially given the fact I would be leaving them alone with their mother for long periods of time, something I could not do, given the treatment I had seen and experienced first hand from her. I knew I had to wait until they were old enough to be able to speak up about things they might see or hear.

The reality is, there is never a good time to leave. I waited until 2014 to make my decision to move out and made my first bad decision a few weeks after I moved out. Having been deprived of a healthy relationship for years, I was eager to show my boys what a healthy relationship was and began dating someone shortly after I moved out. Within a couple weeks I realized the mistake I was making and that I was allowing myself to put my own needs above theirs, so I concentrated hard on their well being. Trying to make my new home – an apartment less than a mile away – the best home I could make it. They loved being there, it was quiet, clean and there was no fighting. It was extremely hard for me though, as I spent the majority of my time alone and without them, after having been with them every day. After having been the one to make all their breakfasts every morning and pack all their lunches. Being the one to always drop them off at school since they were toddlers. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and many nights I lay alone in my bed, staring at the ceiling, tears in my eyes, yearning to hear a voice call me in the middle of the night “Dadda? I can’t sleep.”

My friends all told me it would get easier as time went on. I’d like to say that’s true, but it’s not. It’s a crock of shit. It never gets easier not being with your children. Parents aren’t meant to be away from their children. What kind of lasting impact can you have on a child that you don’t spend every day with?

But, time went on. I moved from the apartment to the lower level of a two family home and finally purchased the home that they have known as their first ‘real house’, not attached to anyone else’s house. Moving into this house, my girlfriend I had now been dating for a couple years moved in along with her two children from a previous marriage. Another bad choice. My children got along fine with hers but there was a monster lurking and I had no idea I had moved it into my home. The woman that had moved in was a closet alcoholic and within a couple months I realized how bad the situation was. She frequently drove home, picking up ‘nips’ (small bottles of spirits) on her way home, drinking them to ‘take off the edge’ of coming back to a house full of kids. By the time I asked her to leave a year later, she was drinking a fifth of fireball a night and the police were called frequently. I was becoming someone I never thought I could become. I had gone from being a very patient man, caring, loving – to  a man who was always angry and on edge, dreading evenings and praying that my children wouldn’t see the pain I was in or experience it themselves.

Children however are not blind and they see much more than we think. My youngest was elated when I asked the woman to leave. My oldest was relieved but he is very reserved and didn’t speak of it much, instead he twisted things in his head – he was trying to grapple with the divorce, the anger his own mother was apparently [inappropriately] confiding in him about and the stress of the alcoholic that had lived in our home. The environment had been toxic to all three of us and it would take another year before things began to feel normal again.

It was only recently, looking back through photos of the boys and I that I can truly see the pain and torment in our eyes that we were going through. It’s clear that there were constant attempts at happiness, traveling to back home to Ohio, going to water parks, going on long trips. However, one can see that there was always a dark cloud hanging over us throughout those years. I as a father, was uncertain what I could do to ease my children’s pain of the divorce and my tumultuous relationship because I was the one trapped within it all. It was like trying to protect someone from a tornado by wrapping yourself around them, just to find that both of you have been lifted up and carried away by the tornado. Now that the dust is settling, I’m slowly reestablishing the relationships I have with my children. They say that they don’t remember anything before I moved out, which I partially chock up to the trauma of it all. All I can do is keep moving forward and be the best father, the best man, that I can be.

Father and Son
  • Jason Stadtlander

PFP (Sonnet) The Benevolent Son
PFP (Sonnet) The Benevolent Son 1024 681 Jason Stadtlander

“The Benevolent Son”

Tho new upon this world you came in love
You showed me that the white clouds were parted
As new breath came in your lungs it started
If touched by you, a person holds the dove

You show us truth and ways to see above
Kindly, your conduct incites bighearted
Showing those around you, love restarted
Bereft of anger, your soft words speak of

As a youth, you guided with your actions
Showing me how to give to those in need
Stating “Daddy, give her a dollar please?”
I was surprised by your benefactions 
Proud to call you my son, through each good deed
United, father and son, friends in ease

About This Poetry Form

Name: Sonnet (Italian)
Description: A Sonnet is a poem of an expressive thought or idea made up of 14 lines, each being 10 syllables long. Its rhymes are arranged according to one of the schemes – Italian, where eight lines called an octave consisting of two quatrains which normally open the poem as the question are followed by six lines called a “sestet” that are the answer, or the more common English which is three quatrains followed by a rhyming couplet.

This particular poem is about my youngest son and is an Italian Sonnet which follows the form abbaabbacdecde (each letter representing a line). Each of the corresponding lines will rhyme with the last word with each line being 10 syllables long.

About This Series

Read more about this series here.
  • Jason Stadtlander

Missing Child – A Parent’s Worst Nightmare
Missing Child – A Parent’s Worst Nightmare 1024 576 Jason Stadtlander

The Fear

It was September 19th in Carver, Massachusetts. The air had that cool damp feeling and the smell of autumn was strong as the colored leaves blew at our feet. My oldest son was dressed in his ninja costume and I was dressed in my Scottish warrior getup – kilt included, both in the spirit of the renaissance festival we were going to at King Richard’s Faire. My youngest son chose not to dress up as he though it drew attention to him. Little did he know that not dressing up drew more attention than dressing up. However, my sweet boy had been through enough over the last year with my divorce and the stresses of my moving out, so I wasn’t about to press him to ‘get into the spirit’. I just wanted us to have a good time.

We spent a few hours going from vendor to vendor and watching the amazing acts of the magician, the tiger trainers and the jousting all the while munching kettle corn and cotton candy as we walked. At one point we stopped so that my boys could get onto a swing ride operated by a couple medieval carnies hand cranking the contraption that accommodated about fifteen children. I took photos as the boys swung around in circles rotating in their chairs. Then they got off and stepped around the side of the fence to me. My oldest saw a cross bow game next to the swing that he wanted to show me and possibly play. So we walked over toward it. Out of the corner of my eye I was certain that my youngest was following. My oldest showed me how the pseudo arrows went into the chamber and at that point I glanced behind me to see what my youngest thought of it. The eight year old was no where in sight and I was instantly jolted to high alert. “Where’s your brother?” I asked. He looked around and shrugged.

“I thought he was right here.” he replied.

I looked at the swing ride which was less than fifteen feet from me and couldn’t see him anywhere. I then yelled for him. No answer. I had lost my son. My heart was racing as I told my oldest to stand by the crossbow stand and not move at all. I then began a spiral style sweep of the area widening as I went through the tree covered clearing. I couldn’t see him anywhere and I was fighting the desire to panic. I began yelling as loud as I could for him and fellow parents looked at me with concerned expressions, knowing the pain I was going through. Two other faire goers joined me in the search and I began to look at the perimeters.

I stopped a faire worker and notified them and just as they were radioing to the have the gates closed so no one could leave or come in my mobile phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number but picked up to hear my son crying in the phone. “Daddy? Where are you? I can’t find you.”

He had followed someone wearing a similar shirt to mine near the swing ride and hadn’t looked carefully to make sure it was actually me, until it was too late. Fortunately he had only gone as far as the archery game which was about two hundred feet away, but it was far enough that he couldn’t see me anywhere. If I had not been so careful to ensure that my children always knew my mobile phone number, the situation could have been a lot worse than it turned out.

Missing ChildTips to Prevent Losing Your Child

  • Put one of your business cards  in their pocket, preferably with a mobile phone number on it.
  • Force your children to memorize your mobile phone number.
  • If you are in a public setting (such as a fair, store or movie theater) contact a management member immediately, most locations have protocols in place to close the entrances so that no one can escape with a child and scenarios setup to help parents find their child.
  • When you know you will be in a crowded place, have your children wear bright colors so you can quickly identify them from a distance.
  • If your children are very young, take a small length of rope and have them always hold onto the rope.
  • Jason Stadtlander

Winter Through the Eyes of a Child
Winter Through the Eyes of a Child 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Winter Through the Eyes of a ChildThe drifts of white snow were deep, well above his head. The pale gray sky almost blended perfectly with the horizon as it met the white powder, making it difficult to tell where the snow stopped and sky started. He stood at the glass and aluminum door staring out at the flakes as they blew around, his hands pressed to the glass and his breath fogging the window with each exhalation. He noticed that if he waited for a moment between breaths, the fog would crystallize causing a beautiful pattern on the glass in front of him. The boy desperately wanted to go outside and he had tried to open the door but felt the sting of his mother’s hand on his hand and the big word “No!”

He didn’t know what the word meant, but he knew it always hurt when he heard it. So here he stood, captivated by the beauty in front of him and the beauty beyond the window. It was magical, watching as the flurries blew and the silence that was trapped within them. In his two years of life, each day was forever and every week an eternity. Although his mother had said something to him in words he didn’t understand, he thought he grasped that she said she would take him out. But he couldn’t remember the conversation or what he had understood and now it was in the distant past of his mind, a fading fog. All he knew was that now he wanted to go outside. He blew again on the storm door, the glass fogged and then crystallized. The boy breathed again and the crystals melted, coalesced and then crystallized again in a new shape.

The boy felt a soft warmth on his arm and he looked down. His mother was pulling a sweater onto him with ferocity. She was saying something but he didn’t understand most of what she was saying. She jerked his arm upward pulling his coat over the sweater and his shoulder hurt, but he ignored the pain, because he was still captivated by the window and the frost that had formed, that he had made. His feet were being squeezed into boots and his toes hurt because of the force with which she was putting upon his feet and he cried out in pain. “Stop!” was all he understood in her flurry of words. Another painful word.

Finally the boy stood there, arms puffy, legs wrapped tight and his feet feeling thick. He looked down at himself and although he had never heard of nor seen a sumo-wrestler, had he seen one, he could have related. His mother’s legs and towering face were high above him, she grabbed a shovel and opened the door, the blast of wind and snow surprising the boy. The woman scooped some snow off the front step and then stepped out, grabbing the boy by the front of the coat and pulling him out into the frigid, blustery day. Immediately the boy reached down and touched the white flakes, something he wanted to do forever. But he could not feel them through his mittened hands, so he pulled off his mitten and his arm was struck. He looked up and saw his angry mother, speaking “No!” and more words, then pulling his mitten back on. The toddler stared at the snow, so close to touch it, but unable to do so and felt tears welling up at the torture of it all. His mother who was shoveling, stopped and looked back at him, as tears streamed down his face. That’s when he saw her face melt like the snow and she walked over, sitting down on the step next to him. She said more words, holding his hand in hers. “Cold.”, “Touch?”, “Quickly” was all he understood.

The boy nodded and his mother took off his glove and placed some snow in his hand, he watched as it melted on his warm skin and was surprised at how cold his hand then felt. The woman brushed off his hand, drying it on his coat and then pulled his mitten back on and he once again felt warmth. She balled up some snow and placed it into his mittened hand and then helped him toss it. This was very funny to him and he giggled. Then his mother picked up some more snow and threw it at the same drift she had thrown his at. Again he giggled and she laughed. He understood laughter. Snow was good, it made him happy and he could tell it made her happy as well.

  • Jason Stadtlander

The Perfect Child
The Perfect Child 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Everyday my children amaze me. They amaze me in the beauty that they create, the innocence that they hold and the pain that they cause. Children are… in the simplest form, the pure unaltered human. They are uninfluenced by society, laws, doctrine or anything else created by man. They are simply what we are when you strip away all of the crap we’ve created.

I know, that’s not a very educated way of looking at what we have created, but let’s face it, so much of it is crap, garbage, trash and feces. Yes, the laws we have, do protect us — generally. The “right” and “wrong” do give us a guidance as a society of what we should do to further our society. However, our laws and everything we have created is really just there to help guide those who lack common sense.

The Perfect ChildChildren operate on three basic principles. Love, fun and what they feel in their heart God wants. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all religious on you or anything. But let’s face it, children are what we are when we are “new”, when you strip off all the stress, responsibility and rigid societal pressure. More than 90% of Americans believe there is a God. That being said, if there is anyone that is close to what God truly wants of us, a child is that.

Children seek “fun”. They seek pure truth, they question what they shouldn’t and question why they shouldn’t question it. They are the purest form of love and the truest critic you’ll ever get because they don’t know they are hurting someone’s feelings simply by being honest. We are taught not to hurt people’s feelings. How different would our world be if we were all, always honest? If we told each other exactly what we thought of each other?

People would know when they really do smell bad. Artists would know their work is beautiful or horrible. Investors would know that it’s a stupid idea to invest in something before they waste their money. People who go out grocery shopping in their PJs would be told the brutal truth that they really do look like idiots. When you go to buy a car, the salesman would tell you “I wouldn’t touch that car, it was smoking when I turned it on earlier.”

Conversely, we would tell people that we spend day after day working with, that we really do care about them. We would actually tell people that they are doing a good job or a bad job. We would hug a stranger when they hurt and we would help the person that sits by the road collecting money. And… We might even draw a picture for a friend, for no other reason than because we love them.

So what is the perfect child? The perfect child is you – in your purest form.

How different would your world be if you chose to be that child? Mine would be pretty awesome.

  • Jason Stadtlander

“Loss of Innocence” – My First Story
“Loss of Innocence” – My First Story 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Introduction

Once upon a time, there was a young boy by the name of Jason Stadtlander who sat at his desk in 6th grade and was given the assignment to write a creative story based on one of the objects sitting on the teachers desk. Without looking at any of the other objects, the teddy bear immediately caught his attention.

I saw that bear sitting upon the teacher’s desk and for me the bear had a story, had a life that no one else in the room knew. So, I grabbed my pencil and wrote my very first short story “Loss of Innocence”.

Here is that story for your reading pleasure.

 

Loss of Innocence
By Jason Stadtlander

(Written for 6th Grade Class in April 1986)

 

Sarah could hear a muffled thump from her nine year old’s room upstairs. She got up from the table and walked to the edge of the stairs. “Parrin? Everything okay up there?”, she called

A muted “Yeah Mom, just dropped something.” called through the closed upstairs door.

She stood there looking up the stairs for about thirty seconds, then shook her head and walked back to the table to finish her shopping list for tomorrow. Earlier she had checked in on Parrin and he had been playing on the floor. He had all of his toys spread out and was having his usual battle of the stuffed animals over the plastic soldiers. She supposed he liked to do that just because it was something of contrast. Toys that were hard and cold battling something soft and cuddly, she thought it amusing.

Upstairs Parrin had all of his soldiers lined up in a U formation facing his bed. His slightly worn B-Bear (short for Benjamin the Bear, which Parrin’s father had helped name) was sitting against the twin bed facing the soldiers. “I’m coming to stomp down your legions!” Parrin said in a deep,  menacing voice. He picked up the bear and made it slowly stomp towards the soldiers with heavy feet. This was a game that he regularly played with B-Bear. In his mind’s eye he pictured the old movie that his friend Jeff had shown him; Godzilla. He also thought it was funny seeing all of the little men flying about as a giant bear stormed thier way through.

The soft bear jumped out of Parrin’s hand and ran over to the dresser, and plopped down beside it. He frowned and looked up at the boy. Parrin looked at his old friend and asked, “What’s wrong? We had almost defeated the evil brigade.” There was an aura of innocence and wonder in his voice.
B-Bear Teddy (Loss of Innocence)B-Bear looked at the child for a drawn moment, his deep brown eyes not losing contact with Parrin’s green innocent eyes. The bear thought about the years that he had spent with Parrin. The games they had played, the warmth of his touch in the middle of the night as he hugged him close to his chest. The boy was a kind, loving child and always treated the bear as his best friend, carrying him everywhere and confiding in him his deepest secrets. B-Bear’s mind wandered back even further to the time when Parrin’s grandfather browsed through the FAO Swartz toy store in Boston, so long ago.

Joe didn’t want to return home to his little girl empty handed, so here he stood looking at the rows of animals and other toys. The bear had been sitting on a narrow shelf along with two dozen other bears that looked identical to him and Sarah’s father had walked over and examined all of the other bears carefully and picked him up. The bear had been elated to have been chosen out of all his other neighbors on the shelf. “I like this one, she’ll love it.”, Joe said glancing back at the other bears and then giving a nod to the bear in his hand.

“But he looks like every other bear on the shelf.” his wife replied.

“No, this one is special. He has… personality.” he said smiling.

A then four year old Sarah had been overjoyed when her parents got back to Knoxville and gave her the warm plush toy, his ultra-soft, plush fur shimmering and his eyes sparkling like none she had ever seen. He was magical. Sarah and “Jake” would be friends for almost a decade until he started to collect dust and was eventually put into a box where he sat in the dark for over a decade, until one day there was a new child to introduce him to. The bear couldn’t remember feeling as alive as he had the moment he was taken out of that old box and presented to Parrin. The boy’s eyes had lit up with amazement and awe as he grabbed the bear and held it close to him. “Oh! Thank you Mommy! Thank you so much!” he cried

“Be very careful with Jake, he’s old and a little fragile. Okay?” she said

“Ok mommy, I will. But do I have to call him Jake?”

“Hmm. No, I guess not. You can call him whatever you want just take good care of him. He was mine when I was a little girl” she said

Parrin was sincerely shocked, “YOU were a little girl?”

Sarah laughed at the earnestness of her four year old son and replied “Yes honey. I was a little girl and I was very well behaved when I was little.”

Parrin’s father cleared his throat and grinned. She looked at him with a smile and told him to ‘just be quiet’.

“What would you like to call him?”asked his father

“He does look old doesn’t he? Like that guy on the ten dollar bill.” Parrin stated

“You mean Benjamin Franklin?”

“That’s his name?”

“Yep, one of our country’s forefathers.” replied his father

“Benjamin. Yes, his name is Benjamin.” Perrin announced

 ~

 B-Bear glanced down at the floor and back up to Parrin who was looking at him patiently. “I’m just… tired. I’m not as young as I used to be.” said the old bear.

“Do you want to sleep? I can tuck you in bed.” The boy replied.

“No, unfortunately it’s a bit more then that Parrin.” There was a long pause. He wasn’t sure how to articulate his thoughts. “You see, I’m getting old. I have lived a long and full life. I’m afraid I won’t be around a lot longer.”

Parrin looked like someone had hit him with a brick. “You’re saying you’re DYING! You can’t die! You’re B-Bear! You are my best friend! I won’t let you die.”

Tears welled up in the boy’s eyes as he locked gazes with the bear across the room.

The soft bear got up and waddled over to Parrin, who was now sitting next to the bed and had several lonely tears streaming down his face. He put his soft paw on Parrin’s leg. “Don’t worry, death is just part of the natural order of life. It’s something that will happen to everyone eventually. As long as you always keep a part of me right here.” He touched the boy’s chest. “Then part of me will always exist. Please don’t be sad, we have had many good years together and I want you to remember the good times.”

Parrin, who had not made eye contact since the bear left the other side of the room looked down at his old friend. “But I don’t want you to die. It’s not fair.”

“Life is seldom fair. But I will always be in your heart.”

Suddenly the door opened and Sarah looked down at her son, his ragged old bear was laying against his leg. Parrin had tears in his eyes. “You okay?” his mother asked.

“Mm hmm. Just got something in my eye.”

She looked at him for a moment, sensing something was not quite right but felt he wanted to be alone.

“Well, you need to get to bed. Okay?” she said

“Okay.”

Parrin got up and went to brush his teeth, came back into his bedroom and changed into his Pajamas. He laid down deep under the covers, bear in hand. He reached over and switched off the small lamp on his bedside table and lay looking at the ceiling for a moment. “I love you B-Bear” he said softly.

“I love you too. Good night Parrin.” Said the bear.

As Parrin drifted off to sleep the bear in his arms slowly stiffened and took the shape of the wire frame that was inside him. His bright shining eyes glassed over and became the solid brownish orange glass that they had once been. His soft, wet nose became velvety leather. B-Bear’s soul was absorbed back into the child. That night, Parrin had gained a new level of maturity and with maturity, some things are lost forever.

 

  • Jason Stadtlander

Where the Wild Things Are – Punishing Children (and keeping your sanity)
Where the Wild Things Are – Punishing Children (and keeping your sanity) 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Boy having temper tantrumMy son runs to me in a sing-songy voice screaming “Daaad, he just hit my eye with the baaaaallll!”, clearly not injured. To which I look at him and casually say “Really?” and he runs off back to play with his brother.

A few minutes later things escalate and one boy hits the other or takes something away or [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fill in the blank].

At some point, as a parent you reach a breaking point, where the desire to grab both of their heads by the hair and slam them together becomes overwhelming and you know you need to step away. It can be even more stressful when you’re the only parent around and you are trying to take care of chores around the house that you would much rather assign to your children.

I will admit to having moments when I’d rather just let them battle it out. Hell, my siblings and I did. Many a cut, scrape or bloody nose I can attribute to my little sister and little brother. That’s just all part of being kids. Do I love them any less or regret our fights? No. They have made us stronger and who we are.

(Here come the five famous words) When I was a kid, if I didn’t watch my mouth, obey my parents or if I was (caught) beating on my brother or sister, I got a hand to the backside. That’s right, a spanking. I know, crazy huh? Even more crazy is my father was never thrown in jail for child abuse and my mother never served a day in court due to taking a brush to my behind (I guess her hand hurt to spank?).

Girl having temper tantrumAm I less a person for being spanked or being handled more physically? No, absolutely not. Did my parents ever abuse me? No, absolutely not.

Now being a parent myself, there are times that it pains me that I cannot (in today’s society) spank my children. To date, I have never given my children a spanking, but there have most definitely been times they deserved it. Not many, my kids are overall very good children, but everyone has moments that they are out of control.

I am not saying that you should be able to go out and beat your child. Beating and spanking are FAR different.

Part of the problems with today’s society is:

  • You have a group of people governing laws and methodologies that don’t even have children themselves. What gives them the right to say what is a proper way to parent or what is not?
  • People expect you to “reason” with children. And yes, when they are over the age of 7 or 8, you absolutely can most of the time reason with them. Then again, there are some 14-17 year olds who you can’t reason with at all. But you can’t be expected to have an adult conversation with a four year old who is throwing a temper tantrum, I’m sorry it’s stupid, plain and simple.

That being said, what do you do when the “Wild Thing” comes out in your child? Well, there are several well accepted and proven ways that I have found to control children:

  1. Time outs – they work wonders, especially when forced to sit on a time-out chair or time-out step.
  2. Standing in a corner – Nose to the wall, unable to move and must stand still until you are told you can get off. If the child steps away, then tell them they just earned another minute. (And keep a real timer going starting around 2-5 minutes) Yes, they will whine and cry and maybe even wipe their nose on the wall, but that’s life.
  3. Take away privileges – Grounding. Very good, but you MUST hold to your guns. If you say they can’t touch iPad for a week. Then do it, don’t cave in! Now, after the grounding has had some time to think in, there is nothing wrong with “earning” back the privilege by reading, doing chores, etc. It both gives them the ability to get their privileges back and it helps them gain responsibility.
  4. Ignore them – This is really only effective in 2-5 year olds. If they are screaming that they want your attention, turn away. You can turn back long enough to tell them that you will talk to them when they can talk to you like a big boy /girl.

My biggest piece of advice as a parent: No matter what your relationship is with your child’s other parent (Married, Divorced, etc.), Never ever contradict their punishment (as long as it is adequate). It not only disrespects and undermines them as a parent, it shows the child that they can control one of you.

What are some methods you’ve found that fit today’s day and age?[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

Copyright © Jason Stadtlander - All Rights Reserved

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