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diary

  • Jason Stadtlander

SVM Chronicles: January 18
SVM Chronicles: January 18 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Today is my mother’s birthday. She’s been gone now for thirteen years. The world is definitely a better place since she has left and my life has really done a full one eighty since then. However, I will admit that her legacy will haunt my world for the rest of my life. I wonder all the time if it will affect others in our family though. It’s one of my deepest  fears. Yes, I know, you would never think so, but I do have fears. Most of my fears revolve around my children or the fact that I am not as skilled a hunter as I believe myself to be. Surely those fears are unjustified, but they are there none-the-less.

So what does one do on the birthday of Marion Smythwick? I will do what I have done every year since her death. I will go to her grave in Manataqua Point Cemetery on Essex Street and place a flower on her grave, then I eat my lunch sitting on a stool near her headstone.

Today it’s bitterly cold with a bit of snow left over, but that somehow that seems fitting and I will not change my tradition. She is after all, my mother.

I wonder, if I should ever tell my children about the darkness in our family history. A darkness that I carry on – somewhat unwillingly.

Happy Birthday Mom, may you find the peace in death that you never had in life.

 

About The Steel Van Man Chronicles

The Steel Van Man is a thriller that was released in August of 2013 about a serial killer who hunts down those that abuse children. You can get the full book here. The “Chronicles” are the continuing journal of the serial killer from its point of view as it continues through its daily life.

  • Jason Stadtlander

SVM Chronicles – January 3rd
SVM Chronicles – January 3rd 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

I sit here in my house, looking out at the snow as it falls softly through the bay windows. My spouse and the children are in the living room by the fire, but I choose the den. I’ve been debating whether I should go out and shovel. I’d really prefer not. 

It has been a nice year so far, only three days in. It may be 6 degrees outside, but I had a wonderful fire going only eight hours ago. To say that Santa made it down the chimney would be an understatement. There is one less person in the world to harm the children of the world and I feel as though I’ve had my much needed release. It’s been far too long since I let myself hunt. I need the kill as much as it needs me. 

And what good does it do for me to prevent myself from taking the pleasure that I so badly need? All I do is get stressed beyond all comprehension and prevent the world from being cleansed. The monster needs to be let out once in a while to go for a run or it will take me over. 

How can I be expected to be a good parent and spouse if I can’t find a way to satisfy my own inner workings? I can’t. That’s the plain truth. I make time for family, and work and I even make time for being a good partner. What I do not do enough of, is make time for myself. How can a hero even try to save the world around them if they don’t find time for themselves?

Fox HuntI do have another problem, that has been plaguing me. Something else that I’ve been thinking about incessantly. Ms. Lacitor, the good detective from Northwood. Can I trust her to keep my secret hidden? I do not want to harm her, but I also can’t risk the truth getting out. So far, I believe I can trust her. I believe though, that I must keep a vigilant eye on her and ensure that our friendship remains a friendship. There is such a fine line between friend and enemy. A friend is an enemy that you can enjoy being around, in my opinion. Or, perhaps a friend is a person with the potential of being an enemy in the knowledge that they posses. 

She knows so much about me, too much. Too much damaging information, yet she stays her hand in turning me in. Why?

Would I do the same in her shoes? I don’t know. I may have to find a way to test this new-found friend. A way to find out how strong her loyalties are. I would never let her participate in a kill, but in years past many English lords used to take their friends on a fox hunt to build comradery. Perhaps a ‘hunt’ would help to solidify that trust. How can one turn on someone when the blood is on their own hands as well?

About The Steel Van Man Chronicles

The Steel Van Man is a thriller that was released in August of 2013 about a serial killer who hunts down those that abuse children. You can get the full book here. The “Chronicles” are the continuing journal of the serial killer from its point of view as it continues through its daily life.

  • Jason Stadtlander

Las crónicas de la bestia: 9 de diciembre
Las crónicas de la bestia: 9 de diciembre 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

¿Disfrutas comprando regalos durante esta época del año? Yo lo hago, a veces, pero prefiero encontrar algo de tiempo y comprar cuando no hay nadie alrededor. Internet ha conseguido que las compras sin tanta gente sean mucho más fáciles. Sin embargo, después hay que recibir los malditos envíos y corres el riesgo de que alguien los vea si no estás en casa. He comprado ya dos regalos muy bien pensados a cada uno de mis hijos; mejor comprar que pasarles algo que pertenezca a la familia. Sin embargo, me encantaría que escucharan lo que su abuelo tiene que decirles en esas cintas. La mayoría son dulces y benignas, pero hay otras cintas que guardan oscuridad en ellas. Una profundidad subyacente que casi no se puede percibir. Y es que me aterra que mis hijos escuchen esa oscuridad y profundidad en la voz de su abuelo fallecido.

The Steel Van Man ChroniclesEs la maldad sobre la historia de nuestra familia lo que no quiero revelarles. Una parte de mí duda de si escucharían algo en su cariñosa voz. Quizá soy yo, corrupto por la verdad que conoce el mal. Por lo que sé, ni siquiera aparece como tal en las grabaciones. Sin embargo, que escuchen las grabaciones es una opción que no valoro, por lo menos de momento.

He estado sentado aquí, en mi furgoneta de vigilancia, observando a un hombre de Lynn las últimas cuatro horas. Le he visto hacer dos viajes a su apartamento con bolsas de juguetes. Veo cómo mis cámaras ocultas le graban envolviendo los regalos y probándose su disfraz de Santa Claus para estar seguro de que todo encaja. Ah… las Navidades… época de felicidad, inocencia y perversión. El espíritu de la navidad no es más que la máscara de este hombre para vestirse de sus desagradables perversiones.

Para mí que pronto verá de qué va todo eso del verdadero espíritu de la Navidad, mucho antes de que tenga la oportunidad de entregar sus regalos a niños y niñas buenos. Sí, creo que él sentirá la Navidad de una forma afilada, fría y brutal en la que nunca se la habría imaginado.

Acerca de Las crónicas de la bestia

El legado de la bestia (The Steel Van Man) es un thriller publicado en diciembre de 2013 sobre un asesino en serie que da caza a aquellos que abusan de niños. Puedes conseguir el libro completo aquí. Las crónicas son la continuación diaria de la bestia desde su punto de vista mientras continúa con su vida diaria.

  • Jason Stadtlander

SVM Chronicles: December 9th
SVM Chronicles: December 9th 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

December 9th

Do you enjoy buying gifts this time of year? I do sometimes, but I prefer to find a time when no one else is around. The internet has made shopping without being around so many people much easier, but then you have to have the damn things delivered to you and risk someone seeing them if you’re not around. I’ve already bought each of my children two well thought out gifts, better to buy them then pass down something from the family. Although I really would like for them to hear what their grandfather has to say on his tapes. Most of them are sweet and benign, but there are other tapes that have a darkness to them. An underlying profundity that is just barely perceivable. It is that darkness and depth that I am afraid of my children hearing in their dead grandfather’s voice.

The Steel Van Man ChroniclesIt is that iniquity about our family history that I just don’t want to reveal to them. A part of me doubts that they would ever hear that in his loving voice, perhaps it is just me, tainted by the truth that sees the evil. For all I know, it’s not even really there in his recordings. However, it’s a chance I can’t take… at least for now.

I’ve been sitting here in my surveillance van, watching a man here in Lynn for the past four hours. Twice I’ve seen him leave and come home carrying bags of toys into his apartment. I watch as my hidden cameras see him wrapping the toys and trying on his Santa suit to make sure that everything fits. Ah, the holidays… a time of joy, innocence and perversion. The spirit of Christmas is nothing more than a mask for this man to wear for his disgusting perversions.

Methinks he will soon see what the true holiday spirit is all about, long before he has a chance to deliver his presents to good little boys and girls. Yes, I believe that he will find the Holidays sharp, cold and brutal in ways he can’t even imagine.

 

About The Steel Van Man Chronicles

The Steel Van Man is a thriller that was released in August of 2013 about a serial killer who hunts down those that abuse children. You can get the full book here. The “Chronicles” are the continuing journal of the serial killer from its point of view as it continues through its daily life.

  • Jason Stadtlander

Las crónicas de la bestia: 5 de diciembre
Las crónicas de la bestia: 5 de diciembre 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Acción de gracias ya ha terminado y ya se acercan las Navidades. A partir del día después de Halloween se puede leer «Felices fiestas» junto a la ridícula publicidad pegada en los escaparates de cada establecimiento.

The Steel Van Man ChroniclesMe encantaría poder decir que las Navidades siempre han sido para mí un tiempo de amabilidad y felicidad. Un tiempo de alegría familiar y visitas de viejos parientes a quienes no hemos visto en todo el año. Un buen fuego arde en la chimenea del salón mientras la gente ríe a través de un vaso de ponche de huevo o de chocolate caliente y saborea la deliciosa comida y las pastas dispuestas a lo largo de toda la casa. El olor de pino impregnado en el aire que proviene del orgulloso árbol que preside decorado en una esquina con bastones de caramelo colgando de él. Quizá un alegre adulto entrado en carnes pasee por la fiesta con un disfraz de Santa Claus y reparta divertidos y pequeños regalos de su gran saco. Sí, me encantaría poder decir eso.

Sin embargo, no estaría diciendo la verdad. No tuve una mala infancia, pero definitivamente no fue como aquellos pintorescos momentos traídos de las escenas de un cuadro de Norman Rockwell. Nuestra casa tampoco estaba iluminada por el calor interno de un cuadro de Thomas Kinkade. De hecho, diría que se amolda más a la descripción de El Grito de Edvard Munch. Esa dura verdad de la existencia humana que solo se puede describir como miedo. ¿Alguien puede tener miedo a la Navidad? Mi madre se alejaba mucho de la definición de una madre solícita y cariñosa. Supongo que ella me quiso a su manera y, cuando era una niña, seguramente lo fuese. Sin embargo, más tarde descubrí que era una asesina sádica. A pesar de ser testigo de cómo mató a mi padre y cómo mutiló su cadáver, nunca se me ocurrió pensar que podría tratarse de algo fuera de lo «normal».

Lo cierto es que mi padre sí era solícito y cariñoso. Amó profundamente a sus hijos, pero, desgraciadamente, no estaba casado con una mujer, sino con una bestia. No hay duda de que en algún punto debió haber detenido a la bestia con la que se había casado, quizá antes de que fuera demasiado tarde. O, quizá, él lo descubriera después de que hubiéramos nacido y decidiera permanecer con nosotros para protegernos. La triste realidad es que yo nunca sabré la verdad, por lo menos en lo que respecta a sus sentimientos hacia mi madre. Todavía guardo las cintas de audio que grabó para nosotros y, mediante ellas, puedo afirmar que nos quiso. Su calavera perfectamente conservada no hace otra cosa que mirarme a través del cristal, justo detrás de la de mi madre. Así que brindo por vosotros dos: feliz Navidad, papá y mamá.

Acerca de Las crónicas de la bestia

El legado de la bestia (The Steel Van Man) es un thriller publicado en diciembre de 2013 sobre un asesino en serie que da caza a aquellos que abusan de niños. Puedes conseguir el libro completo aquí. Las crónicas son la continuación diaria de la bestia desde su punto de vista mientras continúa con su vida diaria.

  • Jason Stadtlander

SVM Chronicles: December 5th
SVM Chronicles: December 5th 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

December 5th

Thanksgiving is over and now the holidays approach. ‘Happy Holidays’ all the retailers say with their ridiculous marketing plastered everywhere the day after Halloween.

The Steel Van Man ChroniclesI would like to say that the holidays have always been a nice, happy time. Full of family cheer and old relatives visiting that we haven’t seen all year long. A nice fire burning in the living room as people laugh over a glass of thick delicious eggnog or hot chocolate, savoring the delicious food and cookies scattered throughout the house. The smell of pine in the air as the tree stands proudly decorated in the corner and candy canes hang upon it. Perhaps a fat jolly adult dressed in a Santa Claus outfit walks throughout the party distributing funny, small presents to everyone from his big bag. Yes, I would like to say that.

This however would be a lie. I didn’t have a bad childhood, but it was most definitely not like those picturesque moments torn from the scenes of a Normal Rockwell painting. Our house was not illuminated with the internal warmth from a Thomas Kinkade painting either. In fact, I would say it was more accurately described as Edvard Munch’s Scream. That harsh truth to the human existence that can only be described as fear. Fear for the holidays anyone? My mother was far from a kind, loving mother. I suppose she loved me in her own way and as a child, I thought she was very loving and kind. It was only later that I discovered her to be a sadistic killer. Even as I saw her kill my father and mutilate his corpse, it never occurred to me that this was anything but ‘normal’.

The truth was, my father was a loving, caring man. He loved his children deeply, but unfortunately he had not married a woman… He had married a monster. I have no doubt that he must have grasped at some point the monster whom he had married, perhaps not until it was too late. Or, perhaps he knew after we were already born but chose to stay to protect us. The sad reality is, I will never know the truth, at least not as far as his feelings toward my mother. I still have his tape recordings which he made to us and through those, I can tell he loved us. His beautifully preserved skull does nothing but stare back at me through the glass, right beside my mothers. So I raise a glass to you both, Happy Holidays Mom and Dad.

 

About The Steel Van Man Chronicles

The Steel Van Man is a thriller that was released in August of 2013 about a serial killer who hunts down those that abuse children. You can get the full book here. The “Chronicles” are the continuing journal of the serial killer from its point of view as it continues through its daily life.

Copyright © Jason Stadtlander - All Rights Reserved

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