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To be human is to be Damaged
  • Jason Stadtlander

To Be Human Is To be Damaged
To Be Human Is To be Damaged 5120 2880 Jason Stadtlander

When I write a story and create a protagonist, it’s easy to create a hero. Someone flawless that comes sweeping in to save the day with superpowers or a methodical detective that can solve any case. But, readers don’t fall in love with the flawless. We can’t relate to that. It wasn’t the fact that superman could fly across the world in a minute or pick up an entire building that made him alluring. It was his vulnerabilities. The fact that kryptonite could damage him or his heart could be broken by Louis Lane. There isn’t a superhero (or a super villain) out there who didn’t have a flaw.

We need those flaws. We have those flaws. Every single one of us. True, small children likely have fewer flaws, but it is part of human growth – part of growing up to accumulate these flaws. The older I get, the more I realize that we are all damaged, all of us. It is how we choose to embrace our damage, understand what is under our own skin and use it to better ourselves rather than allow it to rot us – that truly defines who we are and how we connect with others.

Those who claim they are not damaged have simply not come face to face with their own damage and have not come to understand what that damage is.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that the damage is necessarily something catastrophic. It could be something as small as a bullying incident early in your life that causes an unknown level of anxiety or a fall when you were a child that you forgot about that causes a fear of heights. Damage is damage. Coming to terms with our own damage (in public or in private) is extremely important, and it really is the only way to move forward in life. There are some people I know that wear their damage on their face but have never come to terms with it and may live their entire life without ever understanding it themselves. Yet, others I know finally came to terms with their damage when they were in their 80s and 90s. We all live life on our terms, and we all live through our damage on our own terms.

The most important element to gain from this is that our damage is key. It makes us interesting, unique, often relatable, and sometimes holds us back. When you walk down the street and look at that person in the crowd that seems so well put together and overconfident. Just know, it’s only a face they are wearing, and they may just be better at hiding their damage. Show a little love and help where you can.
  • Jason Stadtlander

Does God Exist? One Man’s Journey into his Existence
Does God Exist? One Man’s Journey into his Existence 1610 805 Jason Stadtlander

It’s going to sound like I’m getting religious here, but I’m not. What I am writing is not about religion at all, but it is about faith. And regardless of what belief you have, you have faith, even if it’s faith in nothing. So bear with me.

As I sit, staring out the windows at the clouds as they move across the sky, now working from home thanks to COVID-19. This day is unique, it is new, unblemished and a chance for a million possibilities,  The same as the day before and the day before that and the day before that.

These same thoughts have gone through my head for the last year, two years, five years, ten years, even twenty years. What is my purpose? What is the point of this daily routine and this repetitive day? Perhaps these are questions that will always haunt me.

I have a purpose. I am a colleague, a father, a son, a friend, and a husband. But that does not define me, each are merely hats that I wear at one time or another. The core of what I am, my heart – and I don’t mean the organ that pumps in my chest, I mean that which is deep in my brain – that which gives me sentience and brings my soul to fruition, that is what I am. That inner part of me is my constant struggle, my constant companion, and my constant enemy.

It is that which drives me to seek an understanding of God and what part He plays in my life if any part at all.

I know, some of you are saying to yourself, “There is no God. It’s ridiculous to think that some higher being created everything and that we just evolved to what we are.”

Believe me, no one knows better than I do, how you feel. I refused to believe that there could be some omnipotent creature sitting upon some throne, cloud, whatever, staring down at us and seeing us as nothing more than a pet. I have always considered myself a man of science, requiring theory, proof, and evidence to show empirically that something is, or something is not.

But that all changed for me on a beautiful Saturday on Memorial Day weekend in 2005. Before that day, I was a man who did not truly believe in God. Who felt that true belief in God was nothing but a fictitious figment of the imagination of a people who have no faith in themselves, so they must create something that makes them whole and has a purpose. That fateful day I became a man who knew without a doubt that there was a God, a creator, and a higher consciousness that drives everything around us.

On that fateful day, a baby was born, a person that was half of me. I held that baby boy in my arms, stared down at him for minutes, hours, unable to take my eyes off of him.

And here it was, in my arms, eyes closed, sleeping soundly, breathing in and breathing out. A tiny heart beating deep inside. Another person has come into this world through my own DNA. That something so complex as an entire human being can come into existence from two cells dividing and multiplying and create bones, blood, organs, a brain. This was it, this was the empirical evidence that I had been looking for to prove to me that there was a God.

Yes, I know biology, I know chemistry, physics… But this transcended them all. I knew from that point forward that I could no longer ever look at either of my little boys and not know in the very core of what I am that there was a God.

Now, does that mean that I pulled the Bible out of the drawer next to me and slammed myself up on the forehead, and said “Praise the Lord, Jesus is risen!” Um, no. On the contrary, knowing that God exists is just a first step and a massive one at that, I might add.

In coming to this realization, I was however forced to ask myself one other question; If I was wrong about God and I now know that without a doubt there is God, what else could I be wrong about?

I started studying the Bible, the Torah, the Qur’an, everything – to try and grasp a better understanding of what everyone else around me has seemed to see that I could not. I would like to say that I did process it all and suddenly had the epiphany that everything now made sense… but that is not the case. It simply confused me more. It’s one thing to know what the bible and all religious texts say, it’s something altogether different to feel what they say.

So began my exploration of my own faith and my own internal struggle to understand things around me. Do I pray? Yes, but not all the time. Do I still believe in God? Absolutely. Do I believe that Jesus is our savior? That he died on that cross to save us from our sin? I’d be lying if I said yes I do believe all of that with all my heart. My faith is a journey.

But what really makes me different than I used to be, is that I can sincerely say that I’m not willing to rule it out. When it comes to Jesus, I don’t believe He is not. Did he exist, yes? I believe that fully. There is too much historical evidence. Do I believe he is the savior of mankind? The jury is still out (for me). Unfortunately, that evidentiary proof has been harder to come by than my belief in God. For me, it would require evidence other than that fabricated by man (i.e. books).

To me, God is not a man who sits high in the heavens and looks down upon us, and points us to go in one direction or another. I believe that to do that would negate the point of free will, and free will defines us. There is a logic to our world. The fact that you can take two atoms of hydrogen and a single atom of oxygen to create water, and the fact that it is the interaction of electrons that bind these elements together is science. But why do these electrons bond? Why do elements have electrons? What force created it to do so? Scientists will claim that it is just a case of electrons interacting with one another, but even that is faith. Faith that science is as it has been proven or faith that nature just works that way. One must have faith that things ‘just are’ that way. Can you really tell me that there is no intelligence at work in the creation of such things?

Even Einstein once said

“Every one who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that a spirit is manifest in the laws of the Universe-a spirit vastly superior to that of man, and one in the face of which we with our modest powers must feel humble.”

The Bible doesn’t ever use the term ‘science’ because it did not exist at the time the bible was written, but Proverbs 25:2 states:

“It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out.”

What I do know, without a doubt is that there is a God. That the fog that rises from the fresh-cut grass is more than just a collection of molecules. That the trees and plants are more than just a collection of well-grouped cells, that music is more than just a repetitive pattern that is pleasing to the ear, and that real love cannot be defined by any words.

Until then, I will seek to understand. I will reach to be more and I will dig down deeper to understand my soul and my own existence. I do not know how deep human faith goes, what powers it or if there is ever a point that it is complete, but the comprehension of my existence and our existence is a journey. And I will do my best to continue to explore it with open eyes and an open heart.

beyond-existence
  • Jason Stadtlander

Beyond the Existence
Beyond the Existence 1920 1080 Jason Stadtlander

One cold and bitter day, as the skies choked with clouds high above in a blanket so thick barely light could penetrate it, a small Neusahofu emerged from its shiny rainbow chrysalis. A tiny sliver of light broke through the thick clouds above the little cocoon and shined a pinpoint of light on the small creature. Although it had no idea, it was one of the most beautiful creatures in all the universe, pure of heart and shimmering with a pale violet skin that luminesced. It smelled fresh and clean, like a spring day unwrapping from the frigid, pale fingers of winter. Arms, opening to a soft glow that encompassed anyone that came within close proximity to it. But, there was no one to come close to it. In fact, there was no one at all… The Neusahofu was a female and the first of its kind, singular in beauty and mind – the embodiment of peace and the mortal form of radiance. She had perfect proportionate legs, arms, and torso, ultimate beauty in flawless symmetry. The female had no hair, but had two eyes and a perfect nose, with a head that pointed upward in the back to a nicely rounded cone.

She stretched her tiny arms out wide and looked all around her, basking in the singular ray of sunshine that had broken through the clouds. The Neusahofu looked high into the sky and saw the tormenting clouds that went as far as the eye could see, all the way to the red mountains in the distance. She looked down at the cold, frost-covered ground and at her colorful chrysalis that remained, splay open, having provided its one purpose in existence, that of a private home for this beautiful creature while she was nurtured. Her heart was pure beyond anything that had ever existed, it knew only love and peace. She looked down at her small hands, five fingers on each, and the light that flowed through her skin ebbed with her heartbeat, carrying small filaments of radiance out to the tips of her fingers where they dissipated.

The Neusahofu bent down, looking at the frost-covered ground and gently touched the frost then pulled her hand away when a spark flew from her hand to the ground. The ground itself illuminated in a small radius around her and the frost quickly melted. The ground came alive with a beautiful yellow-green grass that grew rapidly before her eyes all around her until it was an inch and a half tall. She touched it gently and felt as if a hundred small fingers touched her in return, soft and subtle. She gently petted it and felt the warmth of the tiny plants beneath her hand.

Standing up, she walked over to a stone surrounded by frosty ground, bending down she touched it gently and looked on as it illuminated from the inside out. The light flowed outward from the stone, lighting the ground as it had lit where she touched the ground before. The stone cracked with an audible ‘pop’ and broke open to show another rainbow shimmering chrysalis that resembled the one she had emerged from. Stepping back she cocked her head to the side, staring at it, curious as the light pulsated and the chrysalis beat as if a heart were contained within it. The Neusahofu moved up closer, knelt down, and gently touched it with her long delicate fingers, and felt the beating cocoon, it was warm to the touch. She sat cross-legged in front of it and began to hum sweetly until the cocoon finally stopped beating and instead began to push outward in jagged points as if something were pushing from the inside. Again, she cocked her head to the side and this time made a quiet chittering sound, petting the chrysalis to soothe it.

The surface broke on the thin rainbow membrane and an arm similar to hers poked through, then a hand grabbed the edges within and the creature inside forced its way out. It slowly opened its eyes and blinked with bright blue shinning orbs at the girl. She blinked back, chittered, and smiled. The other Neusahofu smiled back and stood, tall, nearly three inches taller than her, it was clearly male and had a strong body. It stepped out of the cocoon and held out its hand to which the girl took. The two chittered back and forth for a moment then stopped. She looked at him, knew him. She had in fact known him for a very long time. Then thought to herself, “Where have you been? How do I know you? Where are we?”

She then heard his voice in her mind, “Do you not remember? Can’t you recall what happened before we were here?”

She looked down, probed her memories hard but couldn’t remember. Then looking up she shook her head gently.

“It’s me, my love. We knew each other on Earth. We have been with each other all our lives… Soul mates. I held your hand when you were young, told you I would care for you as we grew old together and in the end, you held my hand as I passed on.”

As he spoke those words, a flood of memories came back to her. She saw the two of them playing as children, chasing a balloon and later standing at an alter before all of their friends and family. She saw herself sitting in an Adirondack chair sitting on his lap as children played down by the pond in the early morning, and later holding a grandchild on her lap. She saw him helping her when she dropped her blanket on the floor in the den by the fire and saw herself sitting on the hospital bed where he lay dying. She remembered curling up next to him as his life seeped out of him but could not remember anything after that. “I remember…” she said.

“I remember it all, but the end.” She replied, a bit confused.

“In the end my love, you died as well. We have been so connected for so long, one half can’t live without the other.”

“Where are we now then?”

They looked around them. The skies had broken to reveal a new violet sky with crimson clouds. A huge dark grey moon lay just behind the clouds with a white sun on the other side of the sky. Giant birds swept the sky with tails so long they flowed on winds. The air flowed over the landscape causing a faint hum as it whistled over the eroded plains and the clouds blew by in a fury, yet the air around the two Neusahofus remained still. “I don’t know.” He replied, “I suppose this is what lies beyond our existence.”

They had no way of knowing that they had been chosen by a higher power to usher in a new life on a planet far from where they came. No way of knowing that their souls are like all other souls in the universe. Part of a compendium of life that exists on a plane of existence that connects everyone in every far and distant reach of the universe. A singular dimension of life that is linked, forever part of one another yet apart, taking in everything they learn, feel, and experience to be part of the greater whole.

For beyond the truth of existence are those connected through emotions that cannot be defined with words. Soul-mates.

humanity-and-the-singular-existence
  • Jason Stadtlander

The Future Evolution of Humanity and Our Singular Existence
The Future Evolution of Humanity and Our Singular Existence 1080 608 Jason Stadtlander

For tens of thousands of years, we have struggled as a species, to exist, to progress and to evolve. Yet, we seem to be tied to one single limitation, the shortness of our existence.

We may not like to think about it, but a human life is so short. It may last, at most eighty, maybe a hundred years if you’re lucky. There are so many factors against us in terms of survival; disease, condition of our body and mind, genetics, environment, etc. The list is endless.

In our singular existence, we have a single mind. One which interacts with everything around it through the use of the five senses; sound, smell, touch, sight, and taste. If you really think about it, it is an extremely limited method of input. We can vaguely perceive time, or rather the results of the passage of time (objects aging, hair greying, etc.) however, we really only have those five senses to interpret our world around us. We spend our time in this life from the time we are born, taking in everything around us and in turn teaching what we have learned to others. Our growth as a species and society is something that is incredibly slow because of this process. Only with the advent of technology that allows us to share information instantly, has it become easier to learn, absorb and reach a higher potential than ever before in our history.

That being said, there was something unique about the way that we learned for millennia. We were born, we grew up and taught others what we knew through talking and direct interaction as well as writing. Now, more and more we are allowing technology to overcome person to person interactions. Our ability to transmit information to each other still remains sight, sound, and touch (so far I don’t know of a technology that lets us transmit via smell or taste). So we are still limited to learning things through our eyeballs, ears and communicating back through our fingertips (keyboard).

I pose a few questions in this advancing time. What if we could take things a step further? What if we had the ability to communicate, teach and relay information with each other instantly with our minds, rather than the limited inputs of our eyes, ears, and nose? Would it advance society more rapidly? Would we gain the ability to interact with each other yet retain that instant need to relay information?

A show recently came out on Amazon Prime called The Feed, which I hope to watch soon. It sort of follows the premise – in the future all of our minds are connected in a sort of ‘mental internet’. How would something like this change humanity?

There are many questions that can be raised with this concept, perhaps the most important being; Would we have privacy? Would we be able to (or need to) lie?

My biggest question of all of this is: Would our singular existence no longer be, or would our consciousness continue to live on after we die through the minds of the connected world?

heaven-hell-and-the-pursuit-of-memory
  • Jason Stadtlander

Heaven, Hell and the Pursuit of Memory
Heaven, Hell and the Pursuit of Memory 2368 1374 Jason Stadtlander

Wars have been fought, countries have been conquered and dreams have been shattered over the beliefs in religion, dogma and the truth of our existence. Why are we here? What is our purpose on Earth or in this Universe?

The one thing all of our arguing and thousands-year long discussions and triumphs and failures has taught us is, we do not know what really lies beyond our own mortal lives.

Strange as it sounds, I’m not going to discuss religion, God, Buddha, Allah or anything of the sort. Not in this article. We all have our beliefs and the one truth to those beliefs is, it helps us to have something that guides us, even if that belief is to believe in nothing at all.

The very nature of humanity is that we need a purpose. Regardless of whether you’re the president of a country or a hermit living in the wilderness, without a purpose your life is meaningless. Even if that purpose is nothing more than coming up with food for tomorrow. I have talked with people who are deeply influential or wealthy people and I have talked to those who have lived in the slums of Mumbai, India. It’s amazing how alike the two classes are in terms of humanity. Both seek love, compassion and a better life for themselves and their families. Reality is… it is all relative. Our lives are so interconnected and related that we simply cannot perceive it.

Let’s look at two perspectives. One is how we look at life and the other is what remains after we have gone.

The Eye of the Beholder

I spoke with a woman in London once. She was on a once in a lifetime trip to visit her sister who had moved there from Mumbai, India. The woman, Nilima was worn and weathered, wearing sixty years of age upon her thirty-year body. She told me that she lived in a cinder block room with tin roofs. They had a rug to sleep on with two old pillows. She and her three children and her husband all slept in this single room no bigger ten feet wide. Living on dirt floors and in an area where the water alone can kill you, she says that she is happy.  She is happy because she has a purpose. To create the best life she knows how for her children and to hopefully lead them to move out of the area that she now lives.

I have a client that I have done some computer work for. They live in a home that overlooks the ocean on the North Shore of Boston. Their sprawling ten thousand square foot home is, by all means, a beautiful home to die for. However, speaking with the woman who lives there she finds that she often has a difficult time. Her children moved to California and her grandchildren are all there. It leaves her often ‘without purpose’. She wants to be a good grandmother and finds it difficult not being close to them to serve that purpose. All her life she was a stay at home mother, not needing to work because of her husband’s lucrative income. So, now she looks for things to keep her occupied, bridge games, golf games or other activities with other ladies of similar lifestyles but finds them unfulfilling when the family is all she wants.

To be Remembered

My son asked me the other day, “Daddy, why do they put stones on people’s graves with their names?” – My instant response to which was “So we know where to find their bodies if we want to visit their graves.”

He thought about this and finally said “Why would we want to do that? They aren’t doing anything anymore. They lived their life.” It was at this point that the simplicity of a child’s thought came through to me as well. The only point of a grave or of a memorial is for the living. It serves no purpose for the dead.

Finally I said to him, “The truth is, I think those of us left, do not want to be forgotten. Perhaps, remembering those that have died, gives meaning to the life we live. That it makes sure we are not forgotten. Whether it’s a stone with our name on it, painting with our name on it or children that we have left behind. Does that make sense?”

“Yes. I think so. Is that why you write? So that you leave something behind?” he asked

I said, “Partly. I want at least a little bit of who I am to hopefully teach others of my own mistakes and also entertain them long after I’m gone.”

This whole discussion led me to think about our mortality. It is important, at least for some of us, that all of this – our existence be worth something.

We are born, we live a life, we touch people and eventually we pass on. Sometimes all too soon. The question is, what do we leave behind? For Nilima, she leaves behind three children who know her well and have seen how everything she does is for their own good. For my client, she leaves behind children who care about her but grandchildren that may never know their grandmother.

“The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

When we die, all that we have left is the memories of us in the living. Be it mental, photographic, video or something we have created that we left behind. Personally, I want to be remembered, not in name – but in that this life I have lived served a purpose.

So, my ultimate question is; Is it what we do in this life from start to finish that truly explains what our existence is about? Or is there a reality that is just out of phase with this one where we continue?
  • Jason Stadtlander

Loneliness is…
Loneliness is… 609 419 Jason Stadtlander

Loneliness is something that many of us cope with on a daily basis. Sometimes we can be more lonely in a crowded room that we are standing next to a single person.

Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as:

1a : being without company : lone
b : cut off from others : solitary

not frequented by human beings : desolate

sad from being alone : lonesome

producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

lone·li·ness \ˈlōn-lē-nəs\noun

However, rarely does a definition convey what loneliness or any other emotion really is.

The reality is.. loneliness is a chasm deeper than the eye can see.
Loneliness can take you from the highest perch and cast you into the deepest hell.
Loneliness is a cold metal table in a dark room.
Loneliness is a yearning for human touch, even a hug.
Loneliness is an empty bench where you used to sit next to your mother and talk.
Loneliness is a need to tell your deceased loved one how much you miss them.
Loneliness is a fresh snowfall without children to play in it.
Loneliness is a photograph in your hand that you can’t let go of.
Loneliness is feeling cold on a warm summer day as the waves crash on the beach.
Loneliness is rain, so cold it seeps through to your bones.
Loneliness is… a singular soul among billions.

Copyright © Jason Stadtlander - All Rights Reserved

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