Upcoming Events

Twisted Tuesday – Blonde Banter… a Coffee Experience

Twisted Tuesday – Blonde Banter… a Coffee Experience 2560 1432 Jason Stadtlander

The following is a conversation that occurred between a long-time friend (who’s blonde) and myself while getting coffee at a Starbucks few months back:

Clerk: “What can I get you?”

Me: “I’ll have a Grande Skinny Mocha with whipped cream.”

Clerk: “If you get a Skinny Mocha with whipped cream, then it’s a non-fat mocha with whipped cream.”

Me: “Right, that’s what I said; a skinny mocha with whipped cream.”

Clerk: “No, a skinny has no whipped cream.”

Me: “Yes, exactly.”

The clerk looks at my friend. “What would you like?”

Her: “I’ll have a Skinny Mocha with soy milk, no actually make that skim milk.”

Clerk: “Skinny’s always have skim milk. If you get soy, then it will be a soy mocha.”

Her: “Yep, a Skinny with soy, but I changed it to skim.”

Clerk (shaking his head): “So you want a Skinny Mocha?”

Her: “Yes, but change the soy to skim.”

(his eyes getting wide with frustration and both of us with a blank look on our face.)

Clerk: “So, two Skinny Mochas and one with whipped cream.”

Me: “Yes, but mine with whipped cream and skim milk.”

Her: “…and mine, don’t do soy milk, do skim instead.”

Clerk: “Uh huh. Okay.”

(we stand waiting for our drinks.)

Me: “Did you read my book yet?”

Her: “Yes, do you think children will like it?”

Me: “No, it’s a thriller.”

Her: “Kids like thrillers.”

Me: “No, predators like kids.”

Her: “Yes, but predators get a thrill out of kids.”

Me (sighing with a sad face): “Yes, that’s what worries me. That’s why I wrote the children’s book.”

Clerk: “Here you go, two blonde roasts with whipped cream.”

Me and Her (cheerfully): “Thank you! Have a great day!”



Twisted Thursday – “Idiomocracy” – A story of Idioms

Twisted Thursday – “Idiomocracy” – A story of Idioms 1618 1080 Jason Stadtlander

Growing up, my father constantly used idioms that had (sometimes, unfortunately) been passed down for generations. What is an idiom you ask? Not to be confused with idiots, an idiom is a small phrase that presents a figurative meaning. Such as, “It’s raining cats and dogs.” Is it literally raining cats and dogs? No… it’s just raining really hard.

Not long ago it got me thinking, what would happen someone took all the crazy idioms (sayings) they heard growing up and slapped them together into one little story? Well, here’s what I churned out. Be forewarned – there are a considerable amount of ‘colorful metaphors’ (swears):

Company Take-over?

So, I was at work the other day, and I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest. Finally, I got to the point where I was going to blow like a whistle, so I went looking for my boss. I’ll tell you though, she was slipperier than snot on a glass doorknob. When I finally found her, she was sitting around with her thumb stuck up her ass to which I said, “Ugh! That smells bad enough to gag a maggot!”

She laughed hard and replied, “Well, wada ya expect? I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. I went to the president, but he said to go take a long walk off a short pier, and you can guess how that made me feel… wrapped tighter than skeeter’s ass in a nosedive.”

I sighed. She was right. The president had been riding her like a one-hump camel. The poor woman deserved a break. Then she looked at me and smiled. I cocked an eyebrow in response, knowing she was up to something because she was grinning like a possum licking the whipped cream off a light socket. “What?” I asked, wondering what was rattling around between her ears.

“I was just thinking…” she began. “The guy in the corner office is slow as molasses in January. How about we toss him out like an old pair of shoes and run things ourselves?” she glared at me. “Well, are we on the same page?”

Although this was appealing, the truth was, I had to go to the bathroom so bad my eyeballs were floating. Tell you what – hold that thought. I gotta pee like a Russian racehorse at the Kentucky Derby running with a glue truck behind him.”

So we agreed to chew the fat when I got back.

Fortunately, getting in and out of the restroom was easy as a piece of cake. By now I knew that my boss had an axe to grind, but I was relieved to be standing by her side, come hell or high water. I will admit, the idea of taking over the company might have been biting off more than we could chew, but when it comes down to the wire, it’s always best not to count your chickens before they hatch.

I walked into my boss’s office carrying a big chip on my shoulder, but I figured I had a right. After all, what goes around comes around. My boss opened her mouth, but as soon as she started talking, I realized that she was really my boss’s twin sister – a dead ringer. I said to the twin, “Hey – where did she go?”

She replied only, “Elvis has left the building.”

I knew I wasn’t going to get anything out of the woman since blood is thicker than water. So I did an about-face, flipped her the bird, and asked her to excuse my French. But since I knew that haste makes waste, rather than going head over heels in the bag, I decided to throw the towel in and began walking back to my office.

The twin sister yelled, “Hey! I’m hornier than a two-peckered billy goat!”

I rolled my eyes, turned around, and walked back into her office. “Well then, I guess you have bigger fish to fry. I mean, come on – you’re about as handy as a cow on a crutch. Look, I’ve really got to go…I’m so hungry I could eat a low-flying duck!”

The truth was, it was hotter than a popcorn fart in there, and I really didn’t want to hang around. So I headed quickly back to my office feeling about as worthless as chicken crap on a pump handle. I figured I had to get back to work, and once again felt busier than a cat covering up crap on a concrete floor.

Thinkin’ back, I don’t know about you, but the whole thing felt nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

Top 10 Things I’ve Learned in the Coronavirus Lockdown

Twisted Thursday – Top 10 Things I’ve Learned During the Coronavirus Lockdown

Twisted Thursday – Top 10 Things I’ve Learned During the Coronavirus Lockdown 848 565 Jason Stadtlander

Yes, yes, we’ve all discovered a new side to ourselves in lock-down during the Coronavirus and COVID19 disease. We have discovered that for many of us it is possible to work from home and it is important to look out for others in this ‘unprecedented time’.

I found that I personally have discovered things that I never before thought about.

Here are my Top 10 Things I’ve Learned in the Coronavirus Lockdown:

10. Clothing for Zoom meetings is optional

9. My cat really does sleep 90% of her life

My cat really does sleep 90% of her life

8. The mute button is my friend (especially if the office is next to the bathroom)

The mute button is your friend (especially if your office is next to the bathroom)

7. Coronavirus does not actually give you diarrhea

6. Social distancing guidelines differ from country to country

Social distancing guidelines differ from country to country

5. Lifting a beer is a good interim work out during COVID19

Lifting a beer up does not really qualify as 'working out'

4. If you have a birthday during the lock-down, you’re getting ripped off

If you have a birthday during the lock-down, you're getting ripped off

3. Too much television really does rot your brain

Too much television really does rot your brain

2. Productivity is way up when working from home

1. There really is a solution for homeschooling children

There really is a solution for homeschooling children

“Twisted Thursday” is an occasional spot written on a topic that I thought might be fun to ‘twist’. Check out my other Twisted Thursdays.

Twisted Thursday: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

Twisted Thursday: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

A silly tongue twister and question that has plagued man since… well, I guess since The Woodchuck Song came out in 1902. It was written by Robert Howard Davis. The question poses something as elusive as the riddle of the Sphinx.

How does the whole thing go?

The full version (which some may not know) of the tongue twister is:

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
And chuck as much as a woodchuck would
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

So, what’s the answer?

Funny enough, several newspaper articles have actually been written in an attempt to answer the very question of how much wood a wood chuck could chuck. There are several Woodchuck chucking woodanswers, partly from understanding the actual question. Some see ‘chucking’ as the opposite of ‘upchucking’, which would mean consuming. Others see chucking as simply chewing on and not swallowing. That being said, the following research is provided:

In 1988 the Associated Press published a report by Richard Thomas, a New York fish and wildlife technician who went on to say a typical woodchuck borrow is 23-30 ft long. If a woodchuck is capable of moving the equivalent volume of wood, then it could move about “700 pounds on a good day, with the wind at his back.”

Another study by P.A. Peskevich and T.B. Sea from July-August 1995 – “The Ability of Woodchucks to Chuck Cellulose Fibers” states that “chuck” is the opposite of “upchucking” and determined that a woodchuck could ingest approximately 22 cubic inches of wood per day.

Far be it for me to argue with research.

What would your answer be?

Twisted Thursday – Following the Lemmings into the Storm

Twisted Thursday – Following the Lemmings into the Storm 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

What a better Twisted Thursday could there be than the insanity that people show when a storm comes.

I think I’ve found this to be more true in New England than in the Mid-west.  In Ohio we were generally just react as: “eh, great… gotta shovel”. In New England though it’s a whole different ball of wax.

I remember the first time I went to the grocery store before a storm. I was going to get some bread and a steak or two. The place was a mad-house! The aisle that had bottled water was completely empty and every single register had a line a mile long. I walked over to a store employee and I said, “Is there something happening that caused everyone to go and clean out the store?”

I was expecting her to say, “Oh, yes, a water main broke.” or even “You didn’t hear about the hurricane?” What she said instead shocked me. “The storm is coming tomorrow.”

Keep in mind, we were expecting four to five inches. I looked at the employee and said “I don’t get it, it’s just a snow storm.”

She flatly looked at me and said, “Everyone goes out and buys a ton of groceries before the storm.” as if this was a completely normal thing.Follow the Lemmings

So, what did this teach me? Don’t go shopping when a storm is coming. It’s absurd… you’d think World War III was coming and people thought they wouldn’t be able to get to the grocery store for the next three weeks.

Amused, I got in line and asked a woman who had three cases of bottled water why she was buying so much water. She replied, “We might lose power.”

“Hmm… and losing power has what to do with water?” I asked. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to buy batteries or a generator?”

“What would you do with a generator?” she asked. That was when I decided to halt the conversation, but before I did she added, “Besides everyone goes out to get some emergency groceries before a storm.”

That was when I came to notice something about a specific body of New Englanders.  Keep in mind, this doesn’t apply to all. Most of us are quite normal. However, there is a group that does things simply because everyone else does. I suppose you even have these people in your area, where-ever your area might be. I like to call them the blind followers or the lemmings. They watch someone jump off a cliff and want to go along for the ride.

As far as I’m concerned, they’re welcome to. It’ll be less lemmings to drive me nuts during the snow storm. I’ll just sit, drink my coffee and enjoy the fire as the snow falls and lemmings grocery shop.

Twisted Thursday – New Apple Products for the 2013 Holidays

Twisted Thursday – New Apple Products for the 2013 Holidays 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]


The amazing new iSuck

I’ve had a chance to talk to Apple and have found out what they have in store for us for the 2013 holidays. These are some of the new innovative Apple products coming this holiday season! Checkout these awesome new products such as the iSuck, iWon, iGirl, iGuy and more.


Specifically designed to work with the all new iMaid, this new standard for interactive vacuums will change your world. This new vacuum by Apple, with sleek designs and revolutionary sucking power will provide hours of enjoyment as you zoom around the house cleaning up those insane messes.


Sick of cleaning? Aren’t we all? The new iMaid interfaces with your iPhone or use it even on iCloud on the web. Watch on real-time GPS as your iMaid zooms around your house cleaning up the messes you don’t want to. It’ll make your bed, take care of your children and even take out the trash.


iEraseIT provides a clean and simple way to eliminate all your data and wipe your memory clean. This little bad boy has enough magnetic power to rip the fillings out of your teeth at thirty yards.



[/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]


Never lose again


Want a way to ensure you’ll win at your next competition? Just interface the new iWon with your iPhone or iMac and setup your competition. It will systematically ensure that you win at whatever your activity is. It reaches out and infects your competition with viruses, reduced mental capacity and more!



[/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]


All new iGirl


Tired of rejections or having to spend money on date after date?  The all new iGirl by Apple will give you what you want, when you want it. She will fetch you a beer, watch the games with you, and if she won’t shut up, you can simply turn her off.  Look for wonderful new upgrades coming soon including “Enhance a Chest” and “Shakira Mode”.


[/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]


A man when you need him


Have home projects that need to get done, but never are?  Getting excuses when your man is asked to take out the trash or wash the dishes? Welcome to iGuy by Apple. Never again will you have that problem with iGuy. He never complains and always knows who the boss is… that’s right, the woman with the remote control. You can program him to sit on his butt and watch the game and at the snap of your fingers have him come in the kitchen to help you out. He doesn’t mind getting interrupted and will happily give you a massage. Now with “Hunk Mode” and “Shopping Mode”. New upgrades on the horizon include, “Select a Size” and “Gym Bunny”.


Legal Mumbo Jumbo: Yes, Apple is a registered trademark of Apple Corporation. And for those of you who may be too naive, of course none of the products above are real (though we wish they were). Happy Twisted Thursday![/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

Twisted Thursday – Nature in the way? We’ll move it!

Twisted Thursday – Nature in the way? We’ll move it! 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Let me preface this by saying I am by no means a tree hugging, granola chewing (hmm, I do like granola though), Whole Foods shopping health nut. For the record I still prefer real  toilet paper, not that sandpaper recycled junk – however, I do firmly believe there is a time for working with nature and working against it.

Let’s face it, we are nothing more than a pimple on the planet’s bottom. We are teeny tiny in the great scheme of things. That being said, we can harm nature around us. No we are not going to destroy the planet… But we do have the potential to make it uninhabitable for the next couple hundred years, which would basically suck for us.

AH! My house is flooded!

A river runs through it

Case in point, my good friend and editor Linda Sickinger owns a house, built back in the times of those who wouldn’t think of trying to change the land around them but rather build a home to suit the land around it, back in the 1800’s. Then in the mid-twentieth century some genius south of their home had the plan to build a dam so that the land south of the dam wouldn’t get flooded. Well, guess what happened with that plan? That’s right! At least once a year Linda and her husband have to pull out a canoe to get groceries because their little house becomes an island. Could be worse, they could need a submarine, but that’s not the point. The point is, we try and mold nature to our whim and nature spits in our face and laughs at us for trying.

New Orleans FloodedThe bayou is a’ growin’

Katrina was a prime example of how nature will basically do whatever the hell it wants, our plans be damned. It breached the levies laid out around the city of New Orleans, forever changing the landscape and many people’s lives.

Stop being cheap!

So, what’s the solution to all of this? Well the Europeans learned a long time ago that it made more sense to work with nature than against it. Take the canals of Paris and Venice for example. Yes, they did move things around a little, but they still allowed the water to flow around. If anything we could use this to our advantage, building passive water wheels (that don’t use dams but rather sit on top of the water using the flow) to generate electricity or pump water elsewhere.

We can build houses and buildings that allow the natural flow of nature around it and perhaps come up with innovative architecture in the process. We are but temporary residents on this planet and it has had a life since long before our time and will continue to long after we are gone.

Twisted Thursday – Coffee: Nectar of the Gods

Twisted Thursday – Coffee: Nectar of the Gods 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

I walk downstairs and trip over a toy on the stairs and grumble, walk into the dining room and trip over the rug, step into the kitchen and knock a dish off the counter. Am I a klutz? Well… yes, but that’s not the point – I haven’t yet had my coffee. I am a walking zombie needing my life blood, that which enriches my soul and starts my engine – my coffee.

History of the Bean

Why is coffee such a populaThe lovely coffee beanr thing? Let’s look at the history for a moment.

Coffee was discovered to have stimulating effects in Africa as the ancient Ethiopian people first discovered the plant and what it could do to enhance their lives. However, it was in Arabia that they first had the genius idea of roasting the seeds from the plant, ground them down and turned them into the delicious beverage we know today.

Coffee quickly spread throughout Europe as the ‘miracle drug’, providing a stimulant that cured headaches and woke up even the grouchiest unhappy person.

Brazil and Italy further went on to refine the bean into extremely potent strong beans, capable of leaping over mountains in a single bound and causing the dead to wake up and dance for joy, while causing heart-attacks with others (which brought joy to even more). In fact, the Italians first fashioned the Coffe-a-nator (also referred to as the Coffinator), rapid firing espresso beans at the stuffy French and British, transforming the European continent into an espresso sipping empire.

Coffee Regions and RoastsClimates and Flavors

All joking aside, coffee has proven to be an amazing plant, but is particular to where it is grown. Generally you can only find it in warm climates such as Africa, South America, Central America and the Pacific Islands (including Hawaii). Every location claims to have their best bean and their best roast, which offers a wide variety for every connoisseur and every taste.

Coffee is has traditionally been planted by placing twenty seeds in a hole during rainy season, though in Brazil they raise the coffee plants in nurseries and then plant them outside once they have matured.

Coffee ranges from a light green bean to the darker seeds of Arabia. They are still predominantly harvested by hand, sorted and then dried before roasting. Sometimes they are laid out on large tables to dry or on a flat open area in the sunlight.

Fresh Brewed CoffeeRoasting to release the flavor

Roasting the coffee bean affects the flavor and intensity of the bean. Roasting doesn’t actually start in the bean until it reaches an internal temperature of 392 °F (200 °C). During roasting the bean actually caramelizes, breaking down the starch inside the bean which is what changes it from a green color to the familiar darker colors we know.

Depending on the bean, the longer you roast, the richer the flavor. But it’s a very fine line that you must walk to make sure that you don’t burn the bean.


Yeah, we won’t discuss that here as it’s sacrilegious.

Brew those beans baby!

Last but not least, we grind up the beans (if you’re like me, you grind them right before you brew them) and then brew them in hot water either steeping over the beans as it flows into the carafe or by french press – which has gotten more popular and provides a brew in approximation to how espresso is brewed under high pressure.

Now, sadly, I tend to ruin mine with cream and sugar, but… I do enjoy it black as well. But I’m picky about what coffee I drink black. It must be a dark french roast.

So, what’s your poison?


Twisted Thursday: A terrible mind is scary to waste…

Twisted Thursday: A terrible mind is scary to waste… 150 150 Jason Stadtlander


For some of this to make sense, you would need to know me personally. But let me try to lay it out for you.

Funny Talents – Dangerous Talents

I walk into a room and tell a good friend and colleague of fifteen years that it must be hard to bend over, given how old he is. He looks back at me with a scowl and waits for the punch line. After a brief pause, I break into my old man voice saying, “Freaking whipper snappers . . . thinking they know everything.” And he starts to laugh.

Having worked in radio for several years, being a voice actor and having a talent for voices, I have about 15-20 voices in my repertoire that my children get to choose from including: The Old Crotchety Man, Gollum, Gomer Pyle, Ronald Reagan, Bing Crosby (singing) and quite a few less politically-correct voices. In short, if I can hear a voice, I can usually reproduce it with some accuracy.

Now, I have used my vocal talents for everA terrible mind is a scary thing to wasteything from my video trailers to getting my father to pull the car over on the interstate by doing a realistic siren from the back seat – things that, in the moment at least, can be quite amusing.

Mental Breakdowns

One thing I’ve been watching lately, sadly, is friends whose parents have been aging, often developing dementia or Alzheimer’s. It’s very sad watching someone who was vibrant with life deteriorate and become less of the person he was, eventually remembering nothing of his life.

So what worries me?

I fear for the individual who cares for me, should I ever follow that path. Just picture the poor nurse who walks in one day to make a meal and sees me hovering over the dining room table saying, “My . . . . precious . . . . we swears to be good to the prrrreeecccious,” and then the next minute breaking into my best K-Mart intercom voice announcing, “Ladies and gentleman, please make your way to the front counter and take advantage of our eighty percent sale off  Maxi Pads! Get them now, before the sale is all dried up!”


Twisted Thursday – Death by Soft-serve

Twisted Thursday – Death by Soft-serve 150 150 Jason Stadtlander

Soft Serve IcecreamWe went to a buffet this weekend at Foxwoods. If my six-year-old had his way, he would have stuck his face under the spigot of the soft-serve ice cream machine and pulled the trigger. Subsequently pouring a few spoonfuls of sprinkles, chocolate chips and chocolate syrup into his mouth to top it all off. Which I would have had to follow with a shot of insulin for the diabetes that he would have no doubt induced.

Fortunately I limited his sugar intake to only a bowl. I will add though that his dinner consumption hardly warranted a buffet. Now my other son, ate a good dinner and a modest desert (only one helping of ice-cream and a brownie).

What is it about sugar that we are so fascinated with? I would claim it’s a childhood thing, but then I would just go home and have a bowl of Breyer’s mint chocolate chip with a couple of Oreos and I would be a liar.

Sugar AttackBelieve it or not, sugar is not a natural part of our diet. On the contrary, the only time our ancestors (and I am talking thousands of years ago, not centuries) ever ate sugar was through the eating of fruit. So how have we become so hooked on the culinary ecstasy?

Sugar was not always plentiful and many cultures have used honey or maple syrup as sweeteners  Sugarcane is actually native plant of the tropical southern Asia  continent, many varieties came from the Indian subcontinent and were later grown to adapt to other regions of the world.

Primarily sugar was a luxury  before the 18th century and later became popular in 19th century becoming a staple of normal cuisine. The purification of sugar and desire for the sweet confectionery products that could be produced spurred an entire economic development around the product and brought about our favorite meal – dessert!

Today our world produces on average 168 million metric tons of the delicious substance. You may find it funny that despite this entire article, I am actually more of a savory person than a sweet person. I’ll trade salt and vinegar chips any day over candy but would have a difficult time giving up my ice cream.

How about you? What is your favorite confection?

  • 1
  • 2
Back to top