Twisted Thursday – New Apple Products for the 2013 Holidays

Twisted Thursday – New Apple Products for the 2013 Holidays


The amazing new iSuck

I’ve had a chance to talk to Apple and have found out what they have in store for us for the 2013 holidays. These are some of the new innovative Apple products coming this holiday season! Checkout these awesome new products such as the iSuck, iWon, iGirl, iGuy and more.


Specifically designed to work with the all new iMaid, this new standard for interactive vacuums will change your world. This new vacuum by Apple, with sleek designs and revolutionary sucking power will provide hours of enjoyment as you zoom around the house cleaning up those insane messes.


Sick of cleaning? Aren’t we all? The new iMaid interfaces with your iPhone or use it even on iCloud on the web. Watch on real-time GPS as your iMaid zooms around your house cleaning up the messes you don’t want to. It’ll make your bed, take care of your children and even take out the trash.


iEraseIT provides a clean and simple way to eliminate all your data and wipe your memory clean. This little bad boy has enough magnetic power to rip the fillings out of your teeth at thirty yards.




Never lose again


Want a way to ensure you’ll win at your next competition? Just interface the new iWon with your iPhone or iMac and setup your competition. It will systematically ensure that you win at whatever your activity is. It reaches out and infects your competition with viruses, reduced mental capacity and more!




All new iGirl


Tired of rejections or having to spend money on date after date?  The all new iGirl by Apple will give you what you want, when you want it. She will fetch you a beer, watch the games with you, and if she won’t shut up, you can simply turn her off.  Look for wonderful new upgrades coming soon including “Enhance a Chest” and “Shakira Mode”.



A man when you need him


Have home projects that need to get done, but never are?  Getting excuses when your man is asked to take out the trash or wash the dishes? Welcome to iGuy by Apple. Never again will you have that problem with iGuy. He never complains and always knows who the boss is… that’s right, the woman with the remote control. You can program him to sit on his butt and watch the game and at the snap of your fingers have him come in the kitchen to help you out. He doesn’t mind getting interrupted and will happily give you a massage. Now with “Hunk Mode” and “Shopping Mode”. New upgrades on the horizon include, “Select a Size” and “Gym Bunny”.


Legal Mumbo Jumbo: Yes, Apple is a registered trademark of Apple Corporation. And for those of you who may be too naive, of course none of the products above are real (though we wish they were). Happy Twisted Thursday!

November 7th, 2013|Blog, Twisted Thursday|3 Comments


  1. William Kennison November 14, 2013 at 1:21 am - Reply

    Remember that igirl is incompatible with iwife
    Causing a virus called mother-in-law to be installed restricting all gaming, social networking and emitting strange shreaking noises at odd moments throughout the day and night.

    • Jason P. Stadtlander November 14, 2013 at 7:40 am - Reply

      Hmm, that’s true. Forgot about that. Perhaps they will have a patch for that someday?

      • William Kennison November 14, 2013 at 12:41 pm - Reply

        They do but it is very expensive to get and includes monthly license renewals… the patch is called divorce. $$$$ and alimony.forever it sometimes requires botth programs to fix the problem. The up side is itwipes out iwife and igirl but sometimes leaves the motherinlaw.nag virus which can make life from then on a living hell. Especially if ikids are installed that game will be greatly reduced in access but you will also have to renew your license monthly as well.

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